The etiquette for brothel sex

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Going to a wedding as a guest has its own unwritten rules, just as attending a wedding as the best man, or even as the groom, has a similar, but different set. Men are not the best at “reading a situation” and are often completely at sea when negotiating the complex Secret Women’s Language of sex. So, for the benefit of mankind, I have prepared my set of rules for brothel etiquette, complete with some additional helpful suggestions for finding sex outside a brothel.

Whilst my guide is written tongue in cheek and needs to be swallowed with a pinch of salt, I have offered some guidelines for acceptable behaviour when entering a brothel, doing the deed, and afterwards as well. For example, you would be amazed that some guests even arrive at The Cherry Tree Garden and then proceed to window shop, obviously forgetting this is the only place in the world where a beautiful woman, or several, all want to have sex with you!

We’re a different venue to a strip club, for example, where you can decide to take a lady for a lap dance after viewing each one on stage, and after a number of hours and drinks. Our ladies aren’t going to stay around and chat with you for hours. After a brief introduction, they’ll be whisked away to meet the next guest in another private meeting room. If you’re too slow, she won’t be available because another, more savvy guest has laid his claim. You may not have been aware of this concept and therefore found yourself disappointed. However you can’t plead ignorance any longer with the arrival of my handy guide – “Fishing for Kippers”

Another legitimate query you may have but may be too shy to ask at reception: what does the agreed fee involve? Can I just go for gold? Or lay with my hands at my sides and see what happens? Clearly, neither of those extremes will offer you the experience you are hoping to receive at the brothel. You may be the sexual guru of your city and be able to throw your partner deftly into a multitude of sexual positions, rivalling even the karma sutra, but the brothel is not the place to prove your ability. Nobody here really cares about your skills, or the size of your missile – you don’t need to impress your lady. In the guide, Fishing for Kippers, I advise one penetration position and maybe two! If you are planning to work your way from A to Z of the sexual position alphabet, then you should look at 26 different visits.

Finally, what happens once your visit is over? What is the etiquette? Should I say thank you? Well of course you should – you would thank a barber for your hair cut, wouldn’t you? My guide covers the entire process for your brothel encounter, from beginning to end. And if you are considering offering your opinion of our profession of choice after your appointment, please don’t. We don’t care what you think about it and your opinion isn’t unique, we’ve heard it all before. No-one at The Cherry Tree Garden is here under duress, and that’s all you need to know. If you feel you have to say something, a compliment to your companion of the last hour will go a long way.

Fishing for Kippers also provides a few words of advice for those who aren’t planning a visit to the brothel in the near future, but have their sights set on another lady “in the real world.” There are those among us who take the task of getting laid incredibly seriously. Why? Lighten up. This game is supposed to be fun. And what lady doesn’t want to spend time with a gentleman who is kind, chivalrous and fun. We hope you enjoy the guide and remember that it’s all for a good cause.

Proceeds from all my book sales are donated to the Sunlight Foundation. This is my own charity which provides funds to rescue, rehabilitate and educate victims of child sex-trafficking gangs in Cambodia.