A CONNOISSEUR’S GUIDE TO BORDELLOS – the Top 5 list to get you great sex in a brothel

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My last few blog posts have been quite serious in nature, and whilst these were very necessary to share, I thought I would lighten the mood a bit and share my personal top suggestions in finding the right “house of sin,” before you waste that precious hour of your life you will never get back. 

When we find an establishment that really impresses us with their service, we’re keen to keep going back because we’ve found a gem, rather than going somewhere else.  When I was at the hairdresser recently, my hair stylist was telling me she and her family always go to the same Bali destination every year because they always have such a great time.  ‘Why risk the possibility of having a disappointing time somewhere else?’ she asks, and of course she’s right. Also, note that she is my hair stylist. That’s right, like so many other women, once I’ve found the right one who really understands my hair, seldom will I venture to a different salon and stylist.

The same could be said of brothels. Usually visitors will become regular guests at The Cherry Tree Garden and sometimes even to a particular lady here. But everyone has a first time and, of course,  not everyone lives in the vicinity of our fine establishment. So, how do you know that the brothel you have set your sights on visiting is worth your time and money? Here are five great ideas to get you started:

NUMBER FIVE: Doing your homework

With most other products and services, you can just ask family members and friends if they have any suggestions based on experience. We understand that this time it may be a bit more awkward to do that, so you may need to revert to social media and Google reviews. Happy customers will be only too pleased to leave glowing reports without even been asked to do so – or whether they may have been unhappy with the service they received and why. So, see what other customers say, particularly recently. There may also be online forums and directories if you Google “best brothels (and name of your city.)”   Very hardworking, altruistic folk have voluntarily taken it upon themselves to go out and sample the sexual delights of various cities and then make best-of lists, complete with reviews. Those poor people. At least read what these Samaritans have been able to report back on, after their ordeals from this awful calling in life.

NUMBER FOUR: Breathing the atmosphere

First impressions do matter. As you walk in the door, does the place feel like a 5-star hotel or a cheap backpacker’s hostel? Do the staff and ladies look genuinely happy and friendly or do they look like they are there without wanting to be, complete with painted-on smiles, or without the smile at all in some cases? Do you get a sense they are all treated with respect, or like doormats?  The establishment itself doesn’t have to resemble a 5-star hotel but it shouldn’t resemble a house of horrors.  Brothels are the closest you will get to a fantasy world, you should get the vibe that everyone is happy to be there, enjoy the process of helping to create yours, and want you to come back. If you don’t feel comfortable just being there, how are you going to feel relaxed enough to “perform” later?  Don’t expect it will get better if you persist, it probably won’t. 

NUMBER THREE: Making your decision

Which brings me to the next point. In all brothel visits, you should be given the opportunity to meet each available girl, one at a time, in comfort and privacy.  In the better establishments you will be shown to a private lounge area where you can relax and meet each lady, who will come in, introduce herself and have a chat with you. This is also your opportunity to ask about your particular sexual preferences and see if she is willing to accommodate, and if so, for how much. 

If you find yourself shown to a lounge area with other guests all sitting around avoiding eye contact with each other, I would not blame you for leaving quickly. It would not be comfortable seeing your boss, or neighbour, sitting opposite you (unless you arrived together and he’s paying!). Also, this type of set-up means that the girls will make their introductions and it’s then a free-for-all to step in and book your amourbefore someone else gets in first.  If you’re more the type who carefully considers your decisions, and of course why shouldn’t you in such a personal scenario, then you are likely to be left behind by fleeter footed – or more demonstrative – guests seeking their own pleasures.

NUMBER TWO: The Women Themselves 

Next I invite you to consider the ladies themselves.  Do you feel absolutely stoked that these beauties not only want to be around you, but want to have sex with you too? Do they make you feel special right from the start? Or do they look like their guinea pig died, their car was keyed and its Monday, all at once? Do they look drugged up, disinterested or glassy-eyed? Are you feeling concerned for them, rather than feeling like you want to bang them? If so, this is your cue to make your excuses and leave, not to take on the role of St Michael the Archangel. If she can’t make you feel amazing whilst making social chit-chat, how on earth will she do that when she is trying to seduce you for sex?

AND NUMBER ONE? Is it a legal brothel?

Or is it a seedy looking “massage shop”. You do know that those venues are illegal in many parts of the world, and definitely so in Victoria, Australia, right? Well, unless they do genuinely offer therapeutic massages from certified staff.  The thing is, the terminology is not actually what’s important here.  The venue you’re visiting needs to be approved and licensed to provide sexual services, and you should choose only these venues.  The legal establishments protect your sexual health, eliminate the risk of arrest and help curtail the ghastly sex traffickers forcing young girls into sex in illegal shops. If it’s not licensed, you could be unwittingly supporting sex trafficking crimes by voting with your feet and with your money (or genitals, as it were.) Seriously though, you may not be personally spending time with a child who is performing sex under duress, but if the venue is discovered by cops and raided, you are going to be arrested too; it’s not a good look seeing yourself in the local media, or making an awkward phone call to get yourself bailed, especially for hanging out at an illegal sex venue involved in trafficking children. Whether you know it or not, you are supporting the darker and downright more criminal sides to this industry, so it is very important you do your homework and make sure you are only doing business with legal enterprises.

Melbourne is incredibly lucky to have the best regulated sex industry in Australia and there are legal brothels catering for all tastes. This Top 5 comprises the main considerations to ensure a great experience at a brothel, but of course there are some others that you may choose to consider too. Things like secure and discreet parking (who wants to park their very familiar car right outside the neon sign that says HOT GIRLS FOR SEX HERE.)   Are the reception staff helpful and friendly and do they make you feel welcome, or are you an interruption to their game of Solitaire on their phone?  Are your questions about various optional extras handled professionally or are they just dismissed?

And finally, are you bid a warm farewell with a sweet promise for next time whispered in your ear? 

It is, and should be, a fantasy experience and with a handy list like this, there should be no excuse for a wrong choice and disappointing brothel experience.

Have fun exploring! 

Previously published on Medium