I recently decided that what the world needs is a “Dear Abby” concept for the millennium, and as an experienced sex industry commentator and author, I’m perfectly placed to offer my infamous tongue-in-cheek responses to the great many love, sex and relationship dilemmas of these times.
We can all acknowledge that a lot has changed since Abigail Van Buren (or “Dear Abby” as we knew her) started to make waves in the American media back in 1956. The idea was also adopted by British media, where Dear Abby and other middle-aged women took on the role of Agony Aunts and the image presented was originally of an older woman dispensing comforting advice and maternal wisdom, hence the name “aunt.”
Whilst this concept is still alive and well in various women’s media outlets today, I do wonder how practical these snippets of advice really are, and how entertaining the column itself is to the reader in this 5 second attention span age we live in. And that’s why I went ahead and launched my own. Except mine is a spicy version that tackles the spectrum of our first-world problems and all the trappings of our modern comfortable lives that bring on the dilemmas we face today.
Technology and social media tends to add complications to our romantic and sex lives, rather than making our lives easier – as well as exposing the foibles of the rich and famous to us all, in an instant, making it a wonderful forum for satire.
Back in the 50’s and 60’s people wrote in with much simpler concerns, such as daughters caught kissing while still in their teens, or wives wondering why they weren’t allowed to pay the bills. Today, everyone wonders whether a ‘like’ on a photo automatically means an invite for a booty call, and how to interpret a text message from the guy you had your eye on.
I am fascinated by the courtship dance humans do, and especially how technology has transformed dating and mating in today’s world to produce the most interesting love life concerns among young and old alike. For example, I’m often struck by the absurdity of relationships. It’s almost as if our search to be in one, to stay in one, or to escape from one drives our every thought, while we lurch from one notable failure of understanding to the next – while our partner and sometimes the rest of the world looks on in bemusement.
What a fantastic idea! So, “Dear Lily” was born, not to be the Oracle of Delphi, but to hold up a mirror to the vicissitudes of life… and of course with my tongue planted firmly in my cheek.
A handful of Dear Lily’s finest are below, and the rest can be found on my website or on my Medium blog profile.
Q *New* Dear Lily: I’m Irish and have fallen in love with a man I met online. His name is Seamus Mgumbo O’Flaherty, also Irish, and he lives in Nigeria. I can’t believe I’m so lucky! Unfortunately, he was involved in an accident and asked me to loan him money for his hospital bill (his wallet with his insurance card was stolen he told me). Of course, I helped him with $40,000. Now the hospital wants another $50,000 for more emergency surgery and he wants me to fly there with the cash – also as he says, to meet for the first time and get married. I’ve booked my flight, but do I need any vaccinations? – Happy in love
A. Dear Happy: Do you realise how many scams are run out of Nigeria? Why on earth are you giving money to a total stranger and… No, wait. Nigeria is the most dangerous place on earth for violent robberies of gullible…No, wait. This man is no more Irish than Bill Cosby and is going to… Wait. You know what? The weather’s nice there, just get a flu shot. You’ll be fine.
Q. *New* Hi LiLy: I am Lou, a 1% er and I have a problem. My sexual prowess has reached a spiritual state of ecstasy going 4 to 8 hours, I cannot find a partner that can handle me. Do you know of any women that can match my superhuman sexual domination? – Lou
A. Dear Lou: (or should I say “oh, Transcendental One”?) I’m all for the support of your sexual ecstasy as you seek to enhance the temporal and spiritual welfare of your fellow-men (or women in your case) — whether it comes from the glorious union with god or from a nice bottle of Johnnie Walker Black and Ice doesn’t really bother me. I’m sure my fallen angels would blissfully bring you into their sensual fold. I trust your bank account has the same heavenly dimensions as your organ.
Q *New* Dear Lils: People say I still look great in gold hot-pants but like you I’m getting beyond bar-hopping, thank god. The shallowness of the social media gene-pool, and the weirdos and desperadoes that hang around me, just makes me cringe. The pits, yes? Doesn’t anyone have any interpersonal skills anymore? I still have a very healthy sex-drive but haven’t found a bit of uncomplicated, lusty sex since I dated Michael Hutchence. What to do, Lils? – Kylie
A. Dear Kyles: You’re speaking my language, sister! You should meet some of my social media “friends” – why anyone thinks a photo of their penis will bring me slobbering to their bedside amazes me. You and I need to get ourselves down to the docks when the fleet comes in and hook a sex-starved sailor or three. We’ll both feel like teenagers again.
Q. Dear Lily: I’ve just got this great new government job which requires me to drink lots of beer while I pretend it’s good fun joking around with a bunch of other blokes in steel capped boots and yellow vests. I’m worried that too much beer might make me less virile in the old, you know “bringing the al dente noodle to the spaghetti house” department – if you’ll excuse my Italian. I need to keep up appearances, but need to keep the old fella up too. Any tips? – Albo
A. Dear Albo: I’m sure you’re an attractive enough chap for many of your new colleagues to still try to screw you while you find your feet in the new job. Don’t worry, they won’t be too fussed about the brewer’s droop.
Q. Dear Lily: I’m about to be posted overseas and am leave my girlfriend behind. I loves her so much and we is childhood sweethearts but don’t know how we can survive a long-distanced relationship. Any clues? – sailor blue
A. Dear Sailor: I was so touched by your heartfelt concern for your relationship, which will be so sorely tested while you’re apart. I dearly wanted to help, but then I noticed your appalling grammar…
More agony for the beleaguered retail industry has recently hit the media, and as a commentator on all things sex and sexual, I thought I may as well share my two cents on it. I’ve included a link at the end for those who wish to read more about the furore.
Here is the issue, for those who are not up to speed, or turned away as soon as they realised it was about the infamous Australian lingerie brand, Honey Birdette, again. Honey Birdette’s latest campaign has just launched, this one called Red Alert and it’s a bold confrontation to the censorship it has received over the years to its raunchy shop window marketing.
This new campaign, titled Red Alert for impact, involves the word “censorship” superimposed in bold print across the Honey Birdette models’ breasts, cleavage and nipples.
Honey Birdette founder Eloise Monaghan was quick to add a statement to the campaign:
‘They are attempting to change the definition of what is acceptable in lingerie advertising to include almost any image, implying that it could be interpreted as sexual,’ Monaghan says.
‘Our bodies are not up for discussion; neither is how “appropriate” our breasts are for display in lingerie advertising. Nor does lace underwear imply consent to rape.’
The main culprit behind the censorship attacks on their advertising in the past has been Collective Shout, a group that has encouraged consumer complaints to the Ad Standards board about Honey Birdette’s store advertising, in which it has commented: ‘Collective Shout continues to raise awareness about ways in which the sex trade imposes itself on the community.’
Direct accusations have included shoppers being accosted by “provocative” posters in Honey Birdette’s windows: According to Collective Shout in the past, ‘shoppers who pass by these stores are held captive to porn-themed imagery and even more so the people who work in the centre itself. To force porn-themed imagery on a non-consenting all-ages audience, which includes children, is a form of sexual harassment. This also violates a child’s right to grow up free from sexual exploitation.’
Now I don’t know about you, but these claims seem pretty harsh. Honey Birdette is a very expensive, up-market lingerie store, and certainly not a sex shop or brothel. Perhaps because I work in the sex industry, the inside of a Honey Birdette store looks very different to the inside of a brothel, or a porn set in full “swing”, as it were.
Firstly, the Honey Birdette campaign mentions rape, another entire can of horrifying worms which I absolutely don’t think warrant being part of this particular campaign at all. Now, it would seem to me that this issue tackles a topic that is very difficult to judge, because it involves something very subjective – are the advertising posters too provocative for a shopping mall or not?
Some people may find the posters in question horrifying, whilst others wouldn’t bat an eyelid and walk past without even seeing them. Maybe an authority needs to put in place some clear rules otherwise who knows what retail companies would come up with?
Needing, I suppose, a body part to put its focus on, rather than relying on being just metaphorical, Honey Birdette’s campaign has chosen “female nipples” since this is straightforward and banned by Australian censorship laws. In addition, Honey Birdette founder Eloise Monaghan feels nipples are imperative to their campaign, ‘just as you’ll find in male advertising of any topless kind.’ Except Honey Birdette’s lingerie sets include bras. Just a small point to make.
Now, which party will receive a fine for displaying advertising material that is against the law is clear, regardless of any new campaigns or Collective Shout collectively shouting. Discussions about it on social media are inundated with angry messages from people with nightmares about previous campaigns that burned their eyes. I’m reminded of the joke about the old biddy complaining to the police officer about a man undressing in an apartment opposite. When the police arrived they said they couldn’t see any problem. The old lady replied: ‘Climb on top of the cupboard, officer, and balance on that chair, you’ll see what I mean.’
Personally I don’t see what the fuss is all about. I think all the noise is a waste of public resources and we know we are living our best lives when there are complaints about lingerie store advertising being too sexy.
Anyway, it would seem that all this talking about Honey Birdette is largely controversial, but all this talking in general is actually an advertiser’s dream!
Image credits to @Honey-Birdette’s advertising campaign
Artificial intelligence, digital marketing and social media give us all a vast array of advantages with their introduction into many facets of our society, but there have been some results we haven’t expected. Tragically, they have also enabled criminal enterprises to take advantage of the power and invisibility of technology to run vast networks of illegal sex operations and human sex trafficking across Australia and the world, in plain sight, with little chance of ever being caught.
Thought leaders have demonstrated how machine learning technology is enabling new strategies to locate and prosecute those who profit from the worst of the illegal sex trade. In breaking new ground with AI, this innovative technology has been applied to track down criminals who were posting ads on behalf of someone else, which in the past had made locating the traffickers almost impossible, by making them invisible to law enforcement.
These criminals were literally “selling” dozens of women’s and children’s availability for sexual acts on-line, while these women and girls were silenced by fear and under the control of the trafficker. This is the awful reality of sex-trafficking, much different from a woman promoting her own company for sale, which may or not be legal depending upon the jurisdiction. Both appeared to the casual observer, a potential customer, and to law enforcement, as the same thing – a girl selling sex.
A breakthrough came in 2015. This case in Pennsylvania exposed a man called Cedric Boswell. He had 6,306 photos of women and children on his phone. Law enforcement officers suspected that these images could be found on the Backpage website, where sex workers, pimps, and traffickers would place ads for sex. Backpage, since closed down by the FBI, was the number one place for selling sexual services. It was the first place law enforcers went, and it was also the place where police found his particular advertisement. However, police had the issue of trying to connect all those images on the phone to particular ads to prove that Boswell was advertising those images for sexual services on Backpage as a sex-trafficker. Police weren’t keen to spend time manually checking each image on this site and trying to match them with one of his images – this “opportunity-cost” protection had until then been used by traffickers to ensure they could operate with impunity.
However, Julia Kocis, a dedicated anti-trafficking officer had an idea. She was referred to Traffic Jam, a software technology that was specifically designed to aid sex trafficking investigations by the use of artificial intelligence. ‘We ran the images and phone number through the tool,’ she says, ‘and it brought back all the ads he’d posted in just minutes. Then I played around with it, and it showed a map of where the phone number was used to post girls at different locations, and over time.’
Apparently, the evidence provided by this tool was “a smoking gun.” It was enough to convict Cedric Boswell for sex trafficking and he is now serving up to 26 years in prison. Effectively, Traffic Jam is part of a cluster of new tech tools bringing machine learning and artificial intelligence to the fight against sex trafficking. AI doesn’t promise to be a magic solution for this problem, but for early adopters it is catalysing the rate of sex trafficking investigations, allowing law enforcers to conduct 10 times as many investigations as they used to. And AI never takes a coffee break.
These AI tools may be the first time there is the potential for law enforcement with their limited resources to “reverse-engineer” the criminals’ multitude of anonymous interactions, enabling them to be collated, tracked and identified. Before this, there was mainly only the untraceable single girl in a hotel room with a mobile phone who would not be there next week, and it was understandably a poor use of police time to try and stop these, apparently, single operators.
We’re told that trafficking into Australia is relatively small, protected as we are by strong borders and it being an island country. Ten years ago, the research showed over a period of 2 years there were only 117 prosecutions for trafficking in Australia but of these only four convictions were made and three of those are under appeal. With limited resources, the time to investigate each suspected crime – sometimes years – and the complexity of the transnational crime itself means it is undoubtedly a larger problem than it appears, particularly as victims are reticent to talk. What we do know is that there is a flourishing illegal sex trade in Australia with girls operating from rented hotel and motel rooms, in precisely the same way this trade is run around the world. There is little reason to doubt the heavy hand of the sex-trafficking industry is behind much of this trade.
Perhaps this new tool and similar innovations will enable a new approach – something like being able to cut out the cancer rather than punishing/rehabilitating the victims of the disease. We can hope that our Federal Police are able to work hand in hand with State and International police to continue to keep our borders strong, and importantly, using the innovations in AI to enhance their work trying to eradicate the heinous crime of human sex-trafficking.
The vision some of us have of those working in the world’s oldest profession is admittedly rather bleak. Emaciated women, rife with STI’s and addicted to drugs, controlled by the proverbial pimp with a fancy car and gold chain. They are practically raped in a small, damp room with just a stained mattress in it, and then tossed out into a dark alley to wait for the next assassin. Sound familiar?
We’re confronted by similar stereotypes to this on TV and other forms of media, but how true is it really? Happily, I personally don’t know any girl that fits this description. I run a legal brothel and I’m the Madam to a group of quite astute young businesswomen. Of course, to the customer they are genuinely sweet, endearing and gentle; they are also extremely seductive and sensual. But my point is they’re working here because it’s their chosen vocation, and what they happily provide is a service. Yes, they are real “happy hookers” (I’ve always wanted to say that!)
Sex work is a real occupation governed by laws, just like any other job, trade or profession. There are rights the girls are entitled to from The Cherry Tree Garden when they use our beautiful rooms, like protection from health and safety risks, bullying and harassment and they too have responsibilities to both their guests and my shop. For example, that they are free from STI’s and have documents to show this, they always put their guests comfort first, and they protect and hopefully enhance the hard-earned reputation of my shop. Doesn’t sound much different from the so-called “household brands” we see promoting their wares in letter box drops and in TV advertising, does it? Fact is, it isn’t much different at all – except for the product itself and the absence of buyer’s remorse!
In the legal industry at least, and certainly here in my shop, there are no edicts to work 24/7, and the girls are free to negotiate independently with their guests how their mutual time is to be spent. It is truer to say there is a “service level agreement” which defines the working relationship and it’s framed in a way that my shop, the girls, and their guests are treated to their expectations, and we try very hard to go well beyond that. From reviews of Google and the emails we receive, which we post on our website, we do exceptionally well on all these measures, despite being unable to promote ourselves where and how we choose, and despite being the newest kid on the block.
In the past, there have been demonstrations and lobbying by sex workers because many conditions around sex work are confusing and contradictory. The reason why these laws are so restrictive is because laws tend to mirror, rather than anticipate, society’s attitudes and are often slow to keep up with contemporary ideas. Social media laws anyone? In the past, when these strict laws were created, attitudes toward prostitution were, overall, very negative. Now that times have changed, some groups in society are in favour of formalising legal prostitution as a socially acceptable vocation. With that being said, those lingering stereotypes are still alive and well, leaving what is a genuine choice about work having to take place away from the gaze of “decent society”. This just seems ridiculous to me, considering that sex is one of the most natural, straight-forward, not to mention the funnest, activities we engage in, whether monetary payment is involved or not. Never to forget that it is this same decent society who pay my bills with their patronage.
The confusing laws around sex work is another topic entirely that I’ll address in other blog posts. The purpose of this one is to try to shine a light on those stereotypes and show them for what they are: outdated.
Unfortunately, in real life there are individuals who are still the way I described at the beginning, and that is tragic. In those situations, a woman may be desperate for drug money and, not being able to secure a different job due to addiction, provides gritty sex to disrespectful and forceful men. But sex work is not by itself the common link between drug addiction, rape and poverty, or its cause.
There are rules that guests must abide by, such as accepting the specific activities they had negotiated earlier and not forcing a different activity instead. Our guests pay the negotiated amount as they arrive. This sounds exactly like a trip to the barber or to the dentist (although more pleasant). There’s no reason for either the guest or the sex worker to feel awkward. Neither are defined by providing or purchasing sex. It says absolutely nothing about who they are as individuals, good or bad, unless of course they behave in an unacceptable way during or after their appointment, but that goes for everything they do in life.
The girls who work here are certainly far from impoverished. They also enjoy providing a sex service to make their guests happy and fulfilled. They could certainly do another job elsewhere, but they choose this one.
I can tell you the brief story of one Chinese girlfriend as an example. She started her career as a forensic pathologist, that is, she spent her days with naked dead people. Her career switch not only made the naked bodies she was dealing with much more interesting, but has allowed her to make a life many people only dream about. She has just turned 32, worked exceptionally hard, and since retired (to the disappointment of many, I assume!). She’s far from a unique example of a professional woman pursuing a career of choice. As long as people hold inaccurate beliefs about sex work and those who provide it, we’ll continue to have difficulty working in this industry, as well as in so many other aspects of our social life: from banking, to our own personal relationships with family and friends.
There’s a perception that this industry breaks up marriages and families, yet there’s no evidence whatsoever showing that to be true. In fact, sex workers save many marriages, where the female partner may not be able, or want, to engage in sex with their partner for a multitude of reasons. Rather than having an affair, or going down other anti-social alleys, he will visit our shop and his relationship stays intact. There are many other places and circumstances that have a far greater potential to break up relationships, such as casinos, drug use, domestic abuse, financial hardship, alcohol and, of course, infidelity. It’s not the service providers like us that instigate the destruction of our institutions, rather, it’s more the individuals inside relationships and their own personal situations and the choices they make.
One positive thing about living in this era is that, in general, we’re all more tolerant of one another. If you’re gay, or have a lot of tattoos, are a female CEO or a man wearing heels, as long as you don’t harm anyone else, you are rightfully empowered to function as an equal member in our community. Come on folks, what about giving sex workers a break?
Very few establishments are tarnished with a negative reputation and are forced to operate in the shadows of society, even if they’re legal. One of these is a brothel. Personally, I don’t really understand why our establishments deserve the public scorn, since we’re really just another business. You may throw tales of deceit and sex addiction at us, but this is rarely what we encounter. Please allow me the opportunity to tell you a different story – something which I encounter much more frequently. However, most importantly, please note that all names and case studies offered below are entirely fictional. There are some elements based loosely on real situations, but because we’re in the business of privacy, we won’t disclose anything which could identify any guest, past and present, at The Cherry Tree Garden.
It’s late on Saturday night, when day becomes night. With a smile, I greet Martin who visits a couple of times a month. I know that Martin doesn’t really like to chat, so I quickly call Suzie over and she guides Martin to his favourite room. Martin feels comfortable with Suzie – I have never seen him select a different lady here. For most of the hour he’s paid for, they simply cuddle one another because Martin yearns for human contact. Martin is close to 40 but has never had a girlfriend or wife, or even had a casual sexual encounter. He’s too shy to even approach women. But since he has been visiting The Cherry Tree Garden, he’s starting to feel more comfortable around women.
Later that same night, Bill visits us. Bill is very likeable. He has a lot to talk about every time he comes. A few of us gather to listen to the story of his recent trip to the supermarket – we understand it’s important to him that he’s heard, as not many other people in his solitary life would listen. A few other customers come and go before Bill does – but we know that the lady he takes in the end isn’t the important thing to him. As he eventually takes Gina’s hand, because she happens to be free at the time he’s ready, I notice for the first time that Bill is wearing his shirt back to front today. I smile confidently, knowing that Gina will gently help him dress properly afterwards. Bill is single and has been diagnosed with schizophrenia. When things are going well for him, we see him quite frequently. When he’s not doing so well, he doesn’t visit at all. We’re always very pleased to see Bill and listen to his stories, however far-fetched they may be.
Tim is softly-spoken and he tends to only have one topic of discussion, which he will tell to anyone who will listen. Well, two really. His cars (he’s a mechanic), and his family. He loves his wife and little boy more than anything, and he tells us they often spend precious time together. From what Tim says about his wife, she’s a beautiful person and he’s so proud to be her husband. Tim mentioned once that, sadly, his wife suffers from post-natal depression. One of the symptoms is lack of libido. Tim is supporting her through her illness and we know he would never consider having an affair. When he’s with one of our ladies here, he hardly looks at her because he’s thinking of his wife. Afterwards, there are no lingering moments, gentle cuddles or breathy promises for next time – Tim leaves as quietly as he arrived, no doubt immediately back to his wife and son to enjoy more precious moments together.
A customer who stands out in my mind is Jim. Jim often arrives with chocolates for all the girls to share. Although that’s not why I’m telling you about him. Jim gets around in a wheelchair. He’s a young man and wants to understand more about how his body works. He and the lucky lady he selects have a lot of fun exploring and laughing. Jim recently told us that he’s met a young lady through some friends who he would like to ask out on a date. If all goes well, we won’t see Jim anymore, and that’s more than ok.
Of course, most guests don’t share their story with us, or their why. They arrive and leave, and for one reason or another we sometimes don’t see them again. We could try and guess or put pieces together from fleeting snippets they tell us, but we’re only concerned about how we can offer our guests a magical experience. As long as we’re not hurt, physically or mentally, and you leave a satisfied customer, that’s what matters. We simply cannot be held responsible for your disappointed mother or hurt partner – that’s not our job. Imagine if we were shop assistants at JB HiFi and you spent thousands on the latest surround-sound technology. It wouldn’t be our problem if your wife felt that money should have been better spent, and demands you sleep on the couch for a week!
Next time you think of brothels and have visions of sleazy men having orgies behind their partner’s back, think of the more realistic customers who visit, who are the majority. Men who yearn for a more suited (to them) sex life but dearly love their wives and therefore won’t consider having an affair; men who have endured setbacks at work or at home and simply want to escape into a fantasy world for a little while; men who don’t have a sex life at all because they think, quite wrongly, their physical appearance is not attractive to a casual or long-term partner; or men who don’t want to shock their partner into leaving due to their unusual fetish. Without an outlet to express themselves sexually, it is entirely possible that any of these men would fall into a dire depression.
I don’t expect that I can change the mind of a nation with just this one blog post, but I do hope that I can encourage you to consider my version of the diverse range of people who frequent our business and why they do. Then you may see that we aren’t in the business of fuelling sex addiction – we’re simply providing a necessary service with a great deal of kindness and a touch of charm.
Going to a wedding as a guest has its own unwritten rules, just as attending a wedding as the best man, or even as the groom, has a similar, but different set. Men are not the best at “reading a situation” and are often completely at sea when negotiating the complex Secret Women’s Language of sex. So, for the benefit of mankind, I have prepared my set of rules for brothel etiquette, complete with some additional helpful suggestions for finding sex outside a brothel.
Whilst my guide is written tongue in cheek and needs to be swallowed with a pinch of salt, I have offered some guidelines for acceptable behaviour when entering a brothel, doing the deed, and afterwards as well. For example, you would be amazed that some guests even arrive at The Cherry Tree Garden and then proceed to window shop, obviously forgetting this is the only place in the world where a beautiful woman, or several, all want to have sex with you!
We’re a different venue to a strip club, for example, where you can decide to take a lady for a lap dance after viewing each one on stage, and after a number of hours and drinks. Our ladies aren’t going to stay around and chat with you for hours. After a brief introduction, they’ll be whisked away to meet the next guest in another private meeting room. If you’re too slow, she won’t be available because another, more savvy guest has laid his claim. You may not have been aware of this concept and therefore found yourself disappointed. However you can’t plead ignorance any longer with the arrival of my handy guide – “Fishing for Kippers”
Another legitimate query you may have but may be too shy to ask at reception: what does the agreed fee involve? Can I just go for gold? Or lay with my hands at my sides and see what happens? Clearly, neither of those extremes will offer you the experience you are hoping to receive at the brothel. You may be the sexual guru of your city and be able to throw your partner deftly into a multitude of sexual positions, rivalling even the karma sutra, but the brothel is not the place to prove your ability. Nobody here really cares about your skills, or the size of your missile – you don’t need to impress your lady. In the guide, Fishing for Kippers, I advise one penetration position and maybe two! If you are planning to work your way from A to Z of the sexual position alphabet, then you should look at 26 different visits.
Finally, what happens once your visit is over? What is the etiquette? Should I say thank you? Well of course you should – you would thank a barber for your hair cut, wouldn’t you? My guide covers the entire process for your brothel encounter, from beginning to end. And if you are considering offering your opinion of our profession of choice after your appointment, please don’t. We don’t care what you think about it and your opinion isn’t unique, we’ve heard it all before. No-one at The Cherry Tree Garden is here under duress, and that’s all you need to know. If you feel you have to say something, a compliment to your companion of the last hour will go a long way.
Fishing for Kippers also provides a few words of advice for those who aren’t planning a visit to the brothel in the near future, but have their sights set on another lady “in the real world.” There are those among us who take the task of getting laid incredibly seriously. Why? Lighten up. This game is supposed to be fun. And what lady doesn’t want to spend time with a gentleman who is kind, chivalrous and fun. We hope you enjoy the guide and remember that it’s all for a good cause.
Proceeds from all my book sales are donated to the Sunlight Foundation. This is my own charity which provides funds to rescue, rehabilitate and educate victims of child sex-trafficking gangs in Cambodia.
In the #MeToo era, I can understand you may be afraid to even look sideways at a woman because of the fear of being called a rapist, but let’s be honest, if you’re raping or sexually abusing a person, you know about it perfectly well at the time. Why? Well, the other person may be crying or acting in another way that is different to showing pleasurable enjoyment. Also, you will be feeling, guiltily or happily, as though you have somehow tricked your partner into submission. In this blog, I want to discuss another type of this deplorable act. And that is what may be otherwise known as sperm assault – or sneakily removing your condom during sex without your partner realising. It’s also addressed in my brand new booklet “Fishing for Kippers”- a guide that offers rules around Sex Etiquette in Brothels(and tips for real life).
Why would men do such a thing? Well, there’s no doubt that many men find sex without a condom more enjoyable, and I’m not here to deny them that opinion. However, the reality of sex without a condom is pregnancy and the spread of sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Sex without a condom is possible if both partners take active measures against these factors, like alternate birth control and STI checks at the doctor. That’ a conversation between both partners, prior to having sex. One partner cannot suddenly decide during sex that he would prefer to go without a condom and then do so without the knowledge of the other. In my mind, that’s rape or sexual assault because consent is not given.
It shocks me greatly that there are even resources available online offering tips on how to accomplish this disgusting feat, like sheepishly saying afterward “Oh, it must have slipped off” or even “What’s wrong? I thought you knew it was off?” Of course, by then it’s too late – the crime has been committed. Isn’t it appalling that we now need to also constantly check that the condom is firmly on during the entire act, not just at the beginning? Guys, this is not just a fun game that you can tell your friends about later. It’s just another way men exert their masculine power, and it turns a consensual act into a non-consensual one. That is sexual abuse. That is counted under the #MeToo movement. It’s just not worth it. If you’re really against condoms, then don’t pretend its not a problem to wear one before sex. Talk about it with your partner and find a solution together. Don’t risk the deceit. Don’t risk being called a rapist.
Always bear in mind that prior to having sex, your partner is making her/himself vulnerable to you through the very act of consent. By you sneakily committing such an act, you are breaking their trust as well as the law. Even if the law doesn’t catch up with you, it will be hard to get the trust of your partner back. And then of course, you may have the consequences of an unwanted pregnancy and STIs to deal with too.
As many of you are aware, I am a woman who is proudly of Chinese origin and I have great admiration for the progression of our culture since the Cultural Revolution, as well as respect for our traditions that go back generations. However, occasionally I see something in current affairs that saddens me and this is one such thing. The new biopic “Bohemian Rhapsody” about the phenomenal band Queen that has been met with raving fan admiration and multiple Oscars was released in China a few weeks ago. And sadly, important plot holes have been reported, where all reference to homosexuality and AIDS have been removed.
As the Madam of The Cherry Tree Garden in Melbourne, I find it my role to be a social commentator on sexual expression. There is no greater form of sexual expression than being true to who you are, and that is something that iconic singer and songwriter Freddie Mercury from Queen struggled with throughout his life. Initially he was with a woman, Mary Austin, but then discovered he was homosexual. Sadly, back then, he didn’t feel comfortable with it being common knowledge that he was homosexual, and he even kept his tragic AIDS diagnosis a secret until the day before he died. Freddie Mercury’s amazing life is shared in the biopic released in China a few weeks ago. However, much to my disappointment, there was a lot that was not shown.
Firstly, it’s important to make clear that homosexuality itself is not illegal in China. However, the depiction of homosexuality in arts and culture is illegal. It appears that the Producers of “Bohemian Rhapsody” were so afraid of breaking the law, that they were very vigilant in removing all scenes that alluded to Freddie’s sexuality. This made the story itself very difficult for Chinese audiences to follow. For example, there is a scene where Freddie Mercury tells Mary that they need to break up because he’s realised he’s bisexual (to which she replies he is gay!) However, in the Chinese version, this scene has been removed altogether, leaving audiences wondering why the couple are no longer together.
Homosexual communities in China are no doubt left feeling unimportant and irrelevant. This is particularly the case after Rami Malek’s acceptance speech at the Oscars where he made reference to Freddie Mercury being a gay man (and the words “special group” appeared on the screen in China instead). I can see how this would be upsetting for those in the LBGTI community – these people want to be acknowledged in the media for their sexual expression, not ignored. We have come a long way in China – this is next!
Freddie Mercury was indeed an incredibly talented person. He was gay, but now we see that shouldn’t have affected any part of the way we as fans experienced his music. This statement is indicative for all of us – our sexuality is nobody’s business unless we have sex with them. I hope that laws in China can reflect this sentiment soon, and allow us to experience art (and films) the way they were intended.
Over the last few years, globally, we have experienced the powerful #MeToo movement, one where many women (including those of celebrity status) have joined the “coming out” bandwagon and admitted to being victims of sexual harassment/sexual abuse. Some of these women have also given a name to their perpetrators, notably Harvey Weinstein. Not only has this created reasons for many criminal cases, but it has also opened the floodgates for commentary and debates on topics surrounding the issue. One theme has been the suggestion that, rather than participating in unwanted sexual behaviour, perpetrators should visit brothels instead. This suggestion really got me fired up and I wanted to add my two cents on the matter as well.
Many people offering this argument haven’t visited legal brothels themselves. This is not surprising; it is a service that not everyone requires. So what precisely is the service? Well, the exact answer differs for everybody, but the general answer is rather simple. There is a sexual component to the service and there is a companionable component as well. How exactly each of those components look depends on the client and the lady. However, the reasons that perpetrators enforce sexual abuse on someone else have been shown over and over to be nothing about sexual urges or about companionship.
A great many studies have been conducted on this very question over the years. Sexual harassment and abuse happen because he/she is seeking power and control in their lives, and express it this way. Some people are insecure and afraid of being rejected. Stress, frustration and mental illness are culprits too. It’s certainly a complex issue, but it’s also illegal. Nobody deserves to be sexually harassed or abused. It’s a tragic experience in their lives that affect victims in many ways, for years. Clearly, this behaviour is something that as a society, we are looking to eradicate, rather than re-direct elsewhere.
Do I support the idea that they visit brothels with their deviant behaviour? If these people truly plan to sexually abuse our girls, absolutely not! Our girls are service providers too, just like hair dressers and medical specialists. None deserve to be sexually abused or harassed, and this is in fact a legal issue that gets referred to police as soon as we are made aware of it. Of course, if the customer was planning to create a role-play that the girl is willingly a part of and feels completely safe in, then that’s between the two of them. However, I don’t believe that the perpetrators of sexual harassment are looking to role-play. Why? Because they don’t engage in this appalling behaviour to be a little bit “deviant” to satisfy their sexual urges. Clearly their plan is to hurt their victim and the reasons are among those I listed earlier. Therefore, it is absolutely unwelcome at our, or any, brothel. Sexual harassment and abuse are the same, regardless of the victim. It is just as illegal at any workplace as it is at any brothel.
Sexual harassment and abuse may take the form of sex, but neither has anything to do with healthy sexual expression or companionship. The first is illegal and absolutely loathsome, the latter a service we joyfully provide. Suggesting that perpetrators “take out” their behaviour in our happy place is absolutely odious to us, and now I hope many more people can understand why. This behaviour is simply not acceptable anywhere in our society.